Hey all. I haven't posted in a while just because of lack of time and lack of inspiration. I've generally just felt like crap for the past few months. It wasn't until recently that I realized I don't necessarily have my anxiety under control. If you want to read more about anxiety, I have a post about that here.
I don't want to go into too much detail about anxiety since I already have on a different post.
This post is about asking for help when you need it, especially when it comes to mental health. I have a degree in social work and a minor in holistic health--I know how important the mind and body connection is.
Yet, I somehow find it difficult to always take care of myself, psychologically/mentally as well as psychically. More than this, coping mechanisms I've used before to manage my anxiety aren't working as well as they used to, if they're even working at all. I feel as though I've hit a brick wall with my mental health. Normally I would try different coping mechanisms, Google some new ones or maybe even try even harder to stick to things I know that help my anxiety calm down. This time, though, my anxiety just does not give a crap.
A month or so ago I decided to finally make a phone call to a therapist/counselor/social worker. The problem: I HAVE EFFING MEDICAID. There are only three organizations in my area that accept my particular form of Medicaid and all three, I kid you not, have a seven MONTH or more waiting list. And that's just for intake, not even an actual appointment to get down to business.
Today I decided that this just cannot go on. I'm so sick of being happy one day, feeling like myself and optimistic...to another day where I'm exhausted, negative, and just not myself at all. I know right now that I can't see a mental health professional...Even though I'm on all the wait and cancellation lists, it still is going to be months before anything happens in that area. However, I can speak to a doctor, can't I? Could I?
It's a really terrifying experience for me to go and speak to a doctor about something like anxiety or depression. I've never done that before. I do want to make sure nothing physical is going on, though. Sometimes physical ailments can cause depression or anxiety and I want to rule that out. On top of never going to a doctor for this, I'm not exactly familiar with my doctor. (Cough, cough: I have Medicaid and see a different doctor every time I'm sick). I don't want to be heavily medicated, although maybe medication would help. I wouldn't know since I have never had medication for a mental health issue. I don't know, it's just scary.
I know it's not true at all, but me admitting that I may need medication for my mental health's well-being...it kind of feels like a defeat. As if my mind is telling me that I can't handle this on my own anymore and that this makes me weak in some sense. Again, I know deep down none of this is true. In fact, deep down I know this is true:
Asking for help is brave.
I know this more than anything. Even though I'm terrified, and this is a horribly difficult thing for me to do...I'm also extremely brave. I'll toot that horn, yeah I will.
I wanted to post this so that I can look back one day and see how far I've come from this place I am at right now. I also wanted to post this to show that you are not alone. If you are considering speaking to a professional about your mental health, just do it. The more you wait to do it, the more you'll psych yourself out. The more your mental illness will tell you that you're just having a bad day and that tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow may be better, but your mental health issue will still exist on that good day. Trust me. I'm there right now.
I plan on updating on this blog after I see the doctor and my experience. Again, more to document for myself than anything else. However, if this post helps just one person who reads it, that's fine by me too.
-Don't forget to breathe.
Dana
