Update: Depression and how to ask for help

I haven’t blogged in quite a while. I’ve been busy with life-type-things. I have really missed writing, though. I find it to be a really good outlet to speak about whatever is on my mind at the moment.

 The last post I wrote about how scared I was about asking for help with possible depression. Since asking for help, I have found out that I do, indeed, have depression. I’ve also learned that asking for help was the best thing I could have done for my depression. Now, before I go any further, I am not writing this blog post for sympathy or to complain—none of that. I’m writing this blog post because one in every five people have some type of mental health concern or condition. If this post is read by just one other person who is depressed, anxious, bi-polar….whatever, then it’s served it’s purpose. 

I’m going to write about my experience with this mental health condition. I don’t like labeling it as a “disorder,” although, that’s how you’ll find most mental health conditions described in text books. Labeling something as a “disorder” makes me feel like I’m “abnormal” as if I am “lesser than” someone else who happens to not have a mental health condition or issue. I feel a lot of others out there struggling can relate to that.

So how did I ask for help?

Well, it was terrifying. Keep in mind, I didn’t think I had depression. I just felt like I was losing my mind. I didn’t feel like myself at all anymore. I didn’t know WHO I was anymore. I asked for help by ways of going to a medical professional. If you read my last post, you’ll know all about my Medicaid struggle to find a mental health provider. My experience with the medical professional….well it wasn’t the best. However I feel it’s still important to share because, well, it happens. Some people, even medically trained, highly educated individuals, don’t see depression as a “thing.”

I went to the doctor and told the nurse as she was taking my vitals that I was coming in because I had been feeling depressed. The nurse told me that there was a social worker on staff and that she’d be in to speak with me before the medical provider came in. I breathed a sigh of relief. I had no idea they had social workers at the facility and I thought, “Finally, I can get real help.”

The social worker was extremely nice and just asked me to describe how I was feeling.

 I listed:

• Exhausted
• Lethargic
• Lack of motivation/concentration
• Aches and pains
• Loss of appetite
• Sleeping too much
• No interest in anything, even things I used to love doing
• Just not feeling like myself

She quietly listened and nodded her head periodically as I explained a few personal life-things as to why I thought I could be feeling this way. After a minute she smiled a gentle smile at me and said, “Well, you just named off all of the most common symptoms of depression. If there was a checklist, you just hit all of the points.”

Even though it was scary to finally have a diagnosis for how I had been feeling for so long, it was also such a relief to know what it was. No, I wasn’t crazy. I just happen to be a person who has depression.

Then. The doctor came in. She ruined it. She kept saying that I was pretty and had no reason to be “sad.” And she said it about 25 times. The ONLY reason I stayed was because of that social worker. She set up a session with me for later that week. I strongly believe that had she not come in before the doctor, I would have gotten up and left without any treatment.

Depression isn’t sadness. It’s not something you simply “snap out of.” Depression doesn’t care how educated you are, what you look like, how much money you have, etc. It’s a chemical imbalance in your brain.  Some people are more pre-disposed to it than others.

I am a person who happens to have major depressive disorder, post traumatic response, and generalized anxiety disorder.

What’s happened since?

I go to regular counseling sessions, bi-weekly, with my social worker. It’s very cognitive-behavioral based. It’s just a fancy way of saying “therapy that changes the way you think about stuff.”

In addition to therapy, I was prescribed an anti-depressant. I’ve been on it for about four months now and it has made a huge difference in my depression. I’m slowly starting to feel myself again and semi-normal. I’ve gotten back to doing the things I like to do, seeing people I love to see, being motivated, laughing more.

This isn’t to say that every day is all sunshine and rainbows. It’s not like that at all. Some days I have to struggle through the motions of all that depression brings. The way I liken it to is running uphill underwater. You struggle so much just to move, it's exhausting, but you keep going. Some days I feel like I’m nearly back to square one with this thing and other days I feel like I’ve got this. For the most part, as of right now, I I've got this.

I plan on peridodically making mental-health related posts because it’s important to me to open up a dialogue on this topic. It’s not a big deal to talk about. If someone had a broken leg or the flu, no one would bat an eye in order to say, “feel better soon.” However, when someone has a mental health issue…it’s somehow “unacceptable” in some eyes.

 Options:

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, please remember that there are always options out there. It may not seem like it at times, but there are. Take me as an example. I thought I was never going to get help because of my health insurance and the insane waiting list as well as the lack of mental health services in my area, among other things. Going to the doctor was just the last thing I had to do in order to get help for myself. I had no idea they would offer me on site counseling and I'm so thankful I'm finally talking to a professional.

In other news: Look for more frequent posts in 2016. It’s a new year and I really want to blog again.

I hope this was helpful.

Don’t forget to breathe.

--Dana 

Mindful Friday: Asking For Help Is Hard.

Hey all. I haven't posted in a while just because of lack of time and lack of inspiration. I've generally just felt like crap for the past few months. It wasn't until recently that I realized I don't necessarily have my anxiety under control. If you want to read more about anxiety, I have a post about that here. 
I don't want to go into too much detail about anxiety since I already have on a different post.

This post is about asking for help when you need it, especially when it comes to mental health. I have a degree in social work and a minor in holistic health--I know how important the mind and body connection is.

Yet, I somehow find it difficult to always take care of myself, psychologically/mentally as well as psychically. More than this, coping mechanisms I've used before to manage my anxiety aren't working as well as they used to, if they're even working at all.  I feel as though I've hit a brick wall with my mental health. Normally I would try different coping mechanisms, Google some new ones or maybe even try even harder to stick to things I know that help my anxiety calm down. This time, though, my anxiety just does not give a crap.

A month or so ago I decided to finally make a phone call to a therapist/counselor/social worker. The problem: I HAVE EFFING MEDICAID. There are only three organizations in my area that accept my particular form of Medicaid and all three, I kid you not, have a seven MONTH or more waiting list. And that's just for intake, not even an actual appointment to get down to business.

Today I decided that this just cannot go on. I'm so sick of being happy one day, feeling like myself and optimistic...to another day where I'm exhausted, negative, and just not myself at all. I know right now that I can't see a mental health professional...Even though I'm on all the wait and cancellation lists, it still is going to be months before anything happens in that area.  However, I can speak to a doctor, can't I? Could I?

It's a really terrifying experience for me to go and speak to a doctor about something like anxiety or depression. I've never done that before. I do want to make sure nothing physical is going on, though. Sometimes physical ailments can cause depression or anxiety and I want to rule that out. On top of never going to a doctor for this, I'm not exactly familiar with my doctor. (Cough, cough: I have Medicaid and see a different doctor every time I'm sick). I don't want to be heavily medicated, although maybe medication would help. I wouldn't know since I have never had medication for a mental health issue. I don't know, it's just scary.

 I know it's not true at all, but me admitting that I may need medication for my mental health's well-being...it kind of feels like a defeat. As if my mind is telling me that I can't handle this on my own anymore and that this makes me weak in some sense. Again, I know deep down none of this is true. In fact, deep down I know this is true:

Asking for help is brave. 

I know this more than anything. Even though I'm terrified, and this is a horribly difficult thing for me to do...I'm also extremely brave. I'll toot that horn, yeah I will.

I wanted to post this so that I can look back one day and see how far I've come from this place I am at right now. I also wanted to post this to show that you are not alone. If you are considering speaking to a professional about your mental health, just do it. The more you wait to do it, the more you'll psych yourself out. The more your mental illness will tell you that you're just having a bad day and that tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow may be better, but your mental health issue will still exist on that good day. Trust me. I'm there right now. 

I plan on updating on this blog after I see the doctor and my experience. Again, more to document for myself than anything else. However, if this post helps just one person who reads it, that's fine by me too.

-Don't forget to breathe.

Dana

What it's like to have anxiety.

Hey all. I've been wanting to write a blog post about anxiety for a long time now. What stopped me was...anxiety (hah). There's still such a stigma about mental illness out there and well, I wasn't brave enough to self-disclose this part about myself over the internet in a blog. I think right now I'm just brave enough to do so.

Why I want to write about this:

1. A lot of people out there may be fighting their own up-hill battle with anxiety or another mental illness. 
2. Writing helps me process things.
3. Some people around me don't understand what anxiety is and how it affects the way I function.
4. I wanted to reduce stigma around mental illness. It's okay to talk about.
5. I also wanted to educate some of you out there who may not know about certain mental illnesses such as anxiety disorder.

What is anxiety?
Anxiety is a normal human emotion. Individuals feel anxiety when they feel nervous or uneasy about certain things. For example, going to the dentist is a common cause for some people to become anxious. When it becomes a disorder is when this feeling of fear/nervousness/unease becomes an every day, nearly constant and uncontrollable thing. Having  an anxiety disorder is a mental illness and should be treated the same as any physical illness. With concern, love, and compassion.

What are some of the types of anxiety disorders?

• Panic disorder
• Social anxiety disorder
• Post traumatic stress disorder
• Phobias
• Generalized anxiety disorder

In all cases, anxiety can be caused by many factors, thoughts, and circumstances--depending on the person. In most cases, the fear or worry is irrational or unrealistic. This statement is not meant to trivialize what anxiety-ridden-thoughts are about, whatsoever. In other words, you don't and shouldn't be worrying about something--but you worry anyway because anxiety makes you do that. Some symptoms of anxiety disorders, no matter the type, can include: feelings/thoughts of panic-uneasiness-worry, insomnia, not being able to catch your breath, heart palpitations or a racing heartbeat, numbness or tingling in extremities, muscle tension, dizziness, and so on.

Remember in health class when you learned about the fight or flight response? That response in your brain that revs you up for battle, so to speak? It happens when humans feel threatened or scared or need to protect themselves; and it can even happen in times of high stress. With individuals who have an anxiety disorder, this fight or flight response is almost never allowed to turn off. This extended fight or flight mode means your mind and body are in a constant state of stress. It can lead to other mental health issues as well as a slue of physical health issues such as: high blood pressure, increases your risk for heart disease, headaches, as well as an accelerated aging process.

Anxiety can happen to anyone, no one is immune to it. It can come out of no where or be something you struggle with from an early age on. It can happen for a reason, some type of trauma or multiple traumas in a person's life. But it can also occur, seemingly, for no reason at all....in other words: genetics can play a role. 

 What is the difference between anxiety and depression?

Anxiety is again, feeling intense and uncontrollable uneasiness or worry or fear. Some people, especially (but not necessarily only) if they have panic disorder, can experience panic or anxiety attacks. This is truly when you are out of control, have a racing heartbeat, can't breathe, and so on. I have only had a handful of anxiety attacks and can most of the time talk myself out of one before I actually spiral into one. The few times in my life where I have experienced severe anxiety attacks, it literally feels as though you are dying. This is one reason why some people call 911 when someone is experiencing an anxiety attack. It can sometimes mimic the symptoms of a heart attack.

Depression, however, is uncontrollable, often debilitating, sadness, loneliness, depressed mood,  or lack of motivation to do daily activities--even those that you enjoy. Although anxiety can cause you to feel sad or that you are alone, not everyone with depression has anxiety and not everyone with anxiety has depression. That being said, the two can go hand in hand with one another in some individuals. In fact, it's almost common for the two to co-occur.

How do I know I may have an anxiety disorder?
If you have been feeling as though you are excessively and uncontrollably worrying about things that you may not necessarily need to worry about, you may have an anxiety disorder. If you have irrational fear that is also uncontrollable and sometimes leads to panic attacks, you may have an not qualified to diagnose a mental health disorder.
anxiety disorder. If you just do not feel like you function as normally as you could be due to your thoughts or anxiety, you may have an anxiety disorder. There are also other factors that can have an impact on whether or not a person has an anxiety disorder. I have a degree in social work, but I am

When in doubt, call your doctor and seek professional assistance. I know it's a difficult thing to do and it's extremely terrifying, but there are people out there, people like me, who have been through it and are there to support you! You got this!

How anxiety effects my life:

1. Socially
2. Mentally
3. Physically
4. And countless other ways

Anxiety effects my life in every way possible. It effects how I see other people and the world around me. It has an influence on whether or not I do something. For example, hanging out with a friend or acquaintance. It can change the way my day goes, depending on how severe it hits me or what else is going on in my life at that moment. It makes me not want to do anything, sometimes. Basically, anxiety is horrible. 

What my anxiety feels like: 
Again, anxiety can manifest itself in varying ways depending on the person. Personally, I experience:
 thoughts of worry-fear-panic-etc., it keeps me from being present in the moment because of worry or unease, high levels of stress even when there is nothing to be stressed out about, my heart rate increases, my breathing increases, my thoughts and worrying are usually irrational, I have had a few panic attacks, fidgeting, my anxiety or thoughts surrounding my anxiety last for an extended amount of time, when I'm experiencing anxiety my mind goes to the worst case scenario.

I also describe something I call, "spiraling." This is when my anxiety becomes so intense that my thoughts, breathing, and heart race and I can't contain it.  I can't think straight and I can't focus on one specific thing. When I "spiral," the potential to have a full-blown anxiety attack is very real. Again, most of the time I can talk myself out of having a panic attack. I'll go into what helps me and other techniques later.

Triggers: 
Triggers are things that amp-up my anxiety or cause my anxiety to begin to spiral. My triggers include: being alone for extended time periods, being sick (especially sick and alone), car things (i.e. breaking down), bees (a phobia of mine), feeling trapped or stuck (mentally or physically), not being in control or having a perception of not being in control, certain social situations, stress or being overwhelmed will increase my anxiety intensity, sometimes excessive amounts of caffeine can cause me to have anxiety. Probably the largest trigger for me is having too much time to think about, just things. When I don't busy my mind or my body, my mind starts to wander and anxiety creeps itself into my thoughts. My thoughts then begin to turn negative and race. Boom--anxiety.

When I realized I have anxiety:
Only within the last two years...and only very recently, about the last 6-8 months, have I really been aware of when my anxiety becomes too much. I guess, if I'm being honest with myself, I always
knew I had anxiety from a very young age. Growing up with parents who fought, before they ultimately divorced, I think is how it all began for me. Even to this day, I don't like fighting or very loud arguments; especially between a man and a woman. There are a million triggers for me, I only listed a few.

Anxiety happens every single day, it just varies in severity. For example, today's anxiety has told me that I needed to change my outfit 4-5 different times.I don't know why. Other days, my anxiety will tell me that I need to worry and panic about literally every single thing that day. Some days I don't have any motivation to do anything social or fun because I know I'm going to get anxious or just the mere thought of doing something makes me anxious.

To my credit, I think I've gotten a lot better than I used to be when it comes to dealing with and processing anxiety. I think a lot of that has to do with actually acknowledging that I have an anxiety disorder.  Once you acknowledge something is wrong or off, it's easier to heal from it/deal with it in a much healthier way.
What I did about my anxiety:
I researched it. A lot. On my own, with little help; at first. I didn't want to believe that I had this thing inside of me that made me freak out, for lack of a better term. To put it in a nutshell: I was in denial. Not complete denial, but denial nonetheless.

When I couldn't research it anymore, I spoke with my doctor. At the time, I think I was about 17 or 18...when I had suffered with anxiety and bouts of depression from a much earlier age.  Again, I was in denial which is what I attribute to waiting so long to seek assistance. My doctor really didn't do much apart from asking me a few questions such as: "Are you thinking of harming yourself, how many days a week do you not feel like yourself, have you ever been on medication for this?" After the questions, she wanted to prescribe me a pill. I had to admit, it was tempting. A pill to cure it all. I'd be normal. Looking back at it now, she was prescribing me a pill for depression and not anxiety. At the time, I wasn't feeling depressed at all...just dealing with anxiety mainly.

I didn't even fill the prescription. Instead, I did other things like research some more about breathing techniques, anxiety relieving techniques, and so on. When I was finally 24 years old...again I was still partly in denial, I sought out help from a professional. This isn't to say that medication can't work, especially with depression because that's a chemical imbalance in the brain, but again I wasn't depressed at the time. I also did not and still do not have panic-disorder so I didn't want any drug meant for that either. I, personally, just didn't feel medication would help me in my case.

I was in college, studying social work, and it made me realize that I couldn't assist any clients if I didn't take care of my own mental health first. It was the hardest thing I have ever done: make a
phone call to my college's wellness center to make an appointment with a social worker. I had only briefly gone to counseling before, mainly after my parents got divorced, but nothing long-term and nothing significantly helpful. Mainly it had been guidance counselors telling me to 'snap out of' whatever was going on. Guidance counselors are NOT social workers or psychologists...just FYI if you're looking for someone to talk to.

Anyway, once the phone call was done, I almost canceled the appointment about 3 times. I didn't though, and I went. The first time was the scariest, really. I didn't know this person, if they were nice, if they were credible, if they would know what I was talking about, if they would judge me, etc. Needless to say, that day was a bad day for anxiety and me. After a few minutes, though, I realized that I had done the right thing. When my social worker asked me why I had come to her office, I told her about what was going on in my life and how I think I may have anxiety. She didn't judge me and she didn't look at me like I was a nut-job. She just listened, unbiased, and attentively. Bottom line: She got it. Finally.

After a few months of seeing her about twice a week for 45 minute sessions, she offered to refer me to the college's psychiatrist in order to be diagnosed with anxiety disorder. However, she said that he would likely prescribe me medication. It turned me off to the idea. Besides, just talking to her and processing things I had allow to build up was helping tremendously. Since she was a social worker, she could not properly diagnose me with generalized anxiety disorder. She did say it was most likely what it sounded like I had. Again, I didn't go to the psychiatrist, but I've always classified myself as having that specific type of anxiety disorder.

What helps:
Over the years, I have come up with certain things that have helped me with my anxiety. Most of the time, one or multiple of these techniques help...but there are those few times where nothing helps and I have to just allow to anxiety to run its course for the moment.

1.  Scents/aromatherapy: The main scent that always works to calm me is lavender. I spray it on my pillow every night before bed. I inhale the bottle of lavender room spray I have when I start to feel overwhelmed. I even have lavender scented bath-bubbles and Epsom salts. Another scent that helps is that of eucalyptus, but I've run out of the essential oil. Again, I would dilute it with water and spray it in my room or take a few whiffs straight from the bottle. 
2. Mediation:  I've been meditating for about two years now. I don't do it every single day or even every single time I feel anxious. However, in moments in life where I have high stress levels or a lot going on, I will take the time for myself to practice meditation. I know it sounds a little hippy-dippy, but don't knock it until you try it. I either use Youtube and type in, "Loving Kindness Meditation," or I use the "Calm" (free) app on my phone. You can even journal about your anxiety, draw, or write blog posts!
3. Talking about it to another anxiety-sufferer: I think speaking to a professional helps me the most just because it is a person who is unbiased and don't know me, won't just tell me what I want to hear. However, sometimes speaking to someone, perhaps a friend. who know how you're feeling or what you're experiencing can help a lot as well.
4. Body scan/focusing on moment: A body scan can be a type of mediation. It's basically closing your eyes and either sitting or laying in a comfortable position. You focus on your breathing, deep breathing, and then draw your attention to your body. Starting from the tips of your toes, focus on the sensations your body is experiencing. Focus on the couch or ground beneath you, the way your lungs expand, and so forth. Do this until you get to the top of your head. It really helps me to focus on the here and now, quite literally.
5. Yoga/ any form of exercise: It's a proven fact that exercise can reduce stress or help you to better cope with stressors. When it comes to anxiety, it still rings true. I happen to love yoga because it focuses on breathing as well as the body's movements while still getting a challenging work out in.  When I don't feel like doing yoga, I'll go for a walk or do some Pilates, something more physically demanding. It allows me to get out any aggression I may have and really reduces the intensity of my anxiety. 
6.  Simple self-care: Even though this seems like the most common-sense solution, it is difficult for most to stick to. Things such as getting enough sleep, eating a balanced diet, spending time with loved ones or friends, or even taking some time to relax and do nothing. These simple things can cut down on stress and, in turn, anxiety, because you're taking care of yourself in the most basic of ways. Once you have that sorted out, you can then take care of yourself in more ways. Ways such as meditating or learning a new skill, for instance. 
7. Seeking professional assistance: If you're unsure about whether or not you have an anxiety disorder, if you think you have an anxiety disorder but don't know what to do, or if you just want to process somethings in your life: seek out professional help. If you're in school or in college, there are often wellness or counseling centers right on campus/school grounds. There's also group therapy if you don't like the idea of one-on-one counseling. If you aren't in school or college, there are infinite resources out there as well. All one needs to do is Google, really. I chose to see a social worker, but you can speak with a: behaviorist, psychologist, psychiatrist, or even your physician. 

What others can do to help:

A lot of people think that anxiety is this made-up-over-dramatic-thing some individuals 'do.' It's not. For those of us who struggle and suffer, we would give anything for it to be some kind of made-up game of make believe. Personally, I can't remember a time in my life where I was anxiety-free. This isn't to say that my life isn't full of fun, love, and happiness; it is. Anxiety is just something that goes along with the package of Dana. It's something I will most likely have the rest of my life, and I'm okay with that because, for the most part, I know how to manage my anxiety in a healthy way.

Don't treat people with anxiety any different that someone without anxiety. I can only speak for myself, but I would hate to think that others perceive me differently or think less of me just because of this "thing." Listen to me when I need to vent or cry because it helps, it really does. More that this, let me know you're available for me to talk to you. Don't tell me to "get over it." If it were that simple, anxiety disorders wouldn't even exist.  The thing that helps the most is nonjudgmental, unconditional, and understanding love and support.  There is always hope. Always.

(The main resources for this blog post: own personal/professional experiences as well as WebMD/Mayoclinic)

I hoped this helped someone out there.
Don't forget to breathe,
--Dana

Mindful Friday (on Thursday): Life is strange and also frogs

Sunday was the beginning of  a lot of new HBO series starting. True Detective, Ballers, and Brink; to be specific. My boyfriend, myself, and a group of our friends have been looking forward to watching for a while now. Since my boyfriend and I don't have HBO, we go to friends' houses to watch certain shows. Anyway, Sunday night one of our friends picked the two of us up from our house to go and watch these shows at another friend's house. I was leaving the house when my boyfriend said, "Frog."

I almost didn't hear him, but I looked down to my feet anyway. There it was, a little green and speckled frog staring up at me. "Oh no! I almost crushed him!" I squealed. I would have felt so horrible if that had happened. Horrible, I tell you. I bent down towards it and gently ushered it into
the bushes by the house so no one else would nearly crush or actually crush the little creature.

Frog murder avoided, we all set off to our friend's house. On the way, and we had only been driving maybe three minutes, BAM. A car accident. It wasn't us, thankfully, but it was someone else. It must have just happened because people all over the place started racing to the shoulder and pulling over, running out of their cars to assist. The car was white and completely turned over on it's roof. All I saw was white and wheels in a mess of trees and bushes. It had gone over the guard rail and was sitting there. I couldn't see anyone inside.

I still can't find any information on if the person or people inside are okay or not. I haven't stopped thinking about it since Sunday and I probably won't for a long time.

More than anything, I can't get out of my head that the accident could have very well involved the car we all were riding it. If I hadn't stopped to nearly smoosh and then save a frog, maybe we could have been the ones in that upside down car, I know this is probably me just reading too much into the accident I saw, but I feel like sometimes things happen for a reason. Thankfully, I was meant to save a frog that day.

Want to know something? I googled what 'frog symbolism' means and was completely freaked by what multiple websites told me. Frogs are a symbol of change and transition. They can also mean a link between the living and the dead, though I'm still hopeful every single person made it out of that wreck alive.

This got me to remember that life is full of constant change, nothing is permanent. Life is all about births, marriages, love, buying houses, graduating, and even death and grieving. This constant change that life takes us through sometimes comes when we least expect or least want it to happen. Sunday reminded me of how instantaneous and abruptly a life can change. It's reminded me to be thankful for not only the people in my life, but also the time I get to spend with them as well.

Don't forget to breathe.
--Dana

Mindful Friday

This past week was another stressful one. My car was going all wonky and I was really worried I was going to need to shell out hundreds of dollars to get it fixed. Thankfully, my boyfriend's dad knows cars and how to fix most problems. It only ended costing around 80 bucks. Though I lucked out, it was an eye-opening experience. One that told me my car isn't going to last forever-that I have to save up for a new one in the (very) near future.

The car is...well really really old. Over ten years old. And it has a zillion miles on it. Though, now, it still runs well and all, I know I really need to seriously start saving. Two things ran through my mind when I realized this. One: I can't afford this with student loans to pay back And two: My dad gave me this car-I'm not ready to get rid of it. 

Although the reality of finances kicked in and that was difficult to deal with, more than that was the symbolism I felt around possibly getting rid of this car in the near future. I don't want to give up on this car like I gave up on my father and any relationship with him. I don't want to deal with the fact that he was super proud and happy that he could give this car to me (and at the time my sister as well) and now I may need to sell or junk it. It was really one of the few times I remember my dad being happy that he could do something for his girls.

On top of all of this, father's day is this coming Sunday. I work retail. Everyone's all about the father's day. It's hitting me harder than I thought it would, to be honest. It isn't the first father's day without my dad being here, but at the same time it doesn't feel that way. It feels like I just spoke to him when in reality, it's been a year and change since he passed away.

Even when he and I would be in areas of life where we weren't speaking to one another, I'd always call him on father's day. It was the one time a year, even more so than Christmas or any other day, that I would set aside time and call. It didn't matter if he was angry on the other end, it didn't matter if he was upset or even crying--I'd still call.

For those of you reading who don't have a clue about my relationship with my father...it was unhealthy. I'll leave it at that for now because this post isn't about what my dad was and what he wasn't to me.

Anyway, this whole car thing this week really made me think about my dad and I've just realized that that's okay. It's okay to think about him and still be sad/mad/upset/etc. I don't think there's a time limit set on grieving. It's okay to still have moments where I am. This bad week reminded me to be kind to myself and take the time to feel what I'm feeling instead of pushing it aside or even worse--suppressing it. That only makes things like anxiety worse.

Anyway, sadness and blegh-ness over. Onto having the rest of this Friday and Saturday OFF!

Don't forget to breathe.
--Dana

Mindful Friday

For this Mindful Friday I wanted to focus on something that I've been struggling with a lot lately. I'm not a very insecure person, but I do have insecurities when it comes to certain things in life; as does everyone else. I've been trying to do a lot for myself lately. More than finding a job/purpose as a 'real' adult and recent college graduate, I've been trying to work on things within myself. One of those things is getting close to others. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, one of those many insecurities I have is being around new people or becoming friends with someone else.

I fear rejection. I have issues. Sue me. 

I've mentioned this before in previous posts, but I really do love people and I love being around people as well. This doesn't mean I'm not shy around new or new-er people, though. I completely am. I get insecure about what a person who I want to be my friend, for instance, will view me if I say the wrong thing. I'm insecure about my inborn awkwardness that makes me trip and spill things very easily. I'm also insecure about what if this person lets me down in someway or rejects me? I have issues, sue me.

I've really been trying to 'ease into the discomfort' of meeting new people though. I've been trying this even with people I've known for a few months or years but don't hang out with very often because of conflicting work schedules and what not. It's not an easy thing to do: open yourself up to new social situations and either new or kind-of-new people. At least it's not for me. 

It really confuses me because, again I love being around people. And it also confuses me because I'm awesome at interacting with people in a professional/work/internship environment...even really difficult to handle individuals/situations. When it comes to asking someone I don't really hang out with to do something? Nope. My brain just shuts down and I dissolve into an awkward-nervous-mess. How have I avoided this mess? By simply not asking others to hang out (hah). 

I really want to change this, though. I want friends. Because that's what normal humans want. I'm not saying I'm going to go out to parties and drink and everything; that never was and never will be me. I AM saying that I'm going to make a conscious effort to text, call, Facebook, and more to ask acquaintances or even newer friends/people in my life to hang out more.

The worst that can happen is that the person will say no, right? I'm also going to challenge those of you out there who have the same making-friends-issue to do the same. Lean into the comfort zone limit and try it! You won't be alone and if you have any questions/advice/concerns...comment down below and we can get a dialogue going!

Don't forget to breathe.

--Dana

Mindful Friday

My boyfriend and I have been together for three and a half years. I can't speak for him, but he is literally my rock. He makes me happy, helps me when I'm feeling anxious or doubtful, and he's just an amazing person. The last few days, he was pretty sick. He's had symptoms like this before, but this time around they were a lot more serious. A lot more scary too see, too. I have never felt so helpless in any situation before this. Here's this person I love more than anything in this world, and he's feeling so crummy and miserable...and I can't do a damn thing about it.


He ended up going to the hospital for tests and everything, which all turned out negative or normal (thank goodness).  I can't even put into words how grateful I am that he seems to be doing better and that there's nothing major or serious happening to him.

The whole experience was completely eye-opening, though.  It reminded me of how crazy and just effed life can be--and out of no where. You never know when something like sickness is going to happen and how something so simple can disrupt your every day routine. One minute I was texting him about watching Buffy, the next minute I found out he was being admitted over night to the hospital (scary shit). I also learned that hospitals (at least the one we had) suck, that you have to advocate for yourself and your loved one if you want to get anywhere.  I found out that my boyfriend and I both have some amazing friends and family out there who called, texted, face-booked, etc. good wishes and wanted to know how he was.

You all are amazing.

More than anything, this whole experience is a true reminder of how much I care and love this other human being. How much I needed to be there for him, even if it just meant waiting around with him while he slept in an uncomfortable hospital bed.  Even if it meant just going out and buying him Swedish fish or some chicken nuggets, getting him an ice pack to help him feel just slightly better. It reminds me that I care so so soooo much about him and I know he cares just as much about me as well.

Everything's okay right now and I'm feeling very thankful for him and for the rest of his family, friends, and I that he's okay. I also have a feeling that this entire ordeal has strengthened the already strong bond Ryan and I have together. I really feel like we can overcome anything, right now ; )

Don't forget to breathe.
--Dana

Mindful Friday.

Today has been...well kind of "meh," to put it simply. It hasn't been the worst day I've ever had, but it hasn't been the best.  I woke up this morning feeling beaten up (thank you, P90X), I didn't sleep last night very well, and I wanted to apply to all the jobs today. I only ended up applying to one per diem job that I really don't want. I started to get pretty negative today and down on myself. 

I've been so wrapped up in working as much as possible, saving money (or trying to), and finding a job that sometimes my days just don't turn out as great as I want them to be (something I mentioned in my last Mindful Friday blog post). I'll think, "Well today wasn't particularly bad, but I'm still in the same place and nothing has changed." I'm my own worst enemy. Sometimes I beat myself up really bad. I always forget that it's okay to have a "bad" or "not so great" day. It's okay to not be happy and energetic 24/7. 

It's okay to just veg out and watch The Boxtrolls  (which is completely what I did today when I was fed up with job hunting). Everyone has a bad day and it's totally normal. I put so much pressure on myself, needlessly, to always be happy and pleasant and nice. Sometimes I just can't be any of that. It's sometimes just no longer in my capacity.

Although today was a bit of a bummer, (I searched for jobs for 4 hours and only found one to apply to...among other things.) I am trying to focus on the good. Another "not so great" part of my day is that I've been alone all day and everyone is going out tonight to do something. I have no plans and can't make plans since I work early tomorrow morning. I'm a person who likes to, at least some parts of the day, be around other people. Being alone, most of the time, isn't a great feeling I have.

 Earlier in the day I was focused on the "you're alone" aspect of things as well as the "you'll never find a job" kind of things...but now I have a different mind set. I decided to stop the job search and I also decided to just cut out the negative self-talk that was going on. Instead, I'm now focusing on: "Yeah, you're alone tonight but that means you can blast Netflix tonight while you take a bath!" 

One good thing that came out of the job hunt today was that a friend gave me the company name she works for and said she'd tell her boss about my application when I apply. I also thought about all of the state jobs I've applied to over the last 3 months that are closing soon and that could possibly be calling me in the near future. Finally, I realized that I'm not really alone at all. I have amazing friends and family and a boyfriend who is literally my rock. So there's some good for ya.

This was a bit of a ramble and way longer than I intended, but I really just wanted to share my thoughts and things. Focusing on the good in every situation (and I believe every single situation and circumstance has some good to it) really does help when I start to become pessimistic. It can help make a bad day not be so bad. If you haven't tried it, I definitely recommend you do the next time you're having an off day!

Don't forget to breathe.

--Dana

Yoga

I wanted to write a blog about yoga...but I'm not an expert "Yogi," or whatever you want to call it. I've been doing yoga for about two years now and, to be honest, I don't do it every single day. There's times where I'm too tired or just don't have the time to fully commit to a yoga practice. However, as of recently, I've fallen back in love with yoga.

Mind-Body-Connection

I'm not the most flexible, most athletic, or most fit person...but yoga really helps me feel better; body and mind. For me, yoga isn't about getting into the "perfect" pose you may see on a magazine cover or something. It means exploring and finding what feels the best for your own body, where it is, in

whatever moment you're in. Since I've started yoga, I have almost no back pain. In fact, back pain was the reason I decided to try out yoga in the first place. I've even started to notice small differences in my knee pain as well. It's amazing!

Yoga is NOT, by any means, an "easy" work out. It so isn't. I think the longest yoga work out I've done has been about 45 minutes, and that's with breaks in between hard poses. Yoga reminds me to be gentle with myself and the thoughts I have about myself. For example, I may think, "God, Dana. You can't even get into this pose. What's wrong with you?!" But then, I'll gently remind myself that I get better every time I step onto my yoga mat. There's nothing wrong with not being able to have the "perfect" tree pose (or any other pose...tree is just particularly difficult for me).

Once I've reminded myself of this, I can carry on this same notion of 'being gentle with myself,' throughout the rest of my day. For instance, if I'm in a social situation and am embarrassed just by my own awkward-self, I try to remind myself that I'm perfectly fine the way I am, awkwardness and all.

In fact, my boyfriend even says that's kind of why he loves me.
Now everybody at once: 1, 2, 3..."Awwwwwwwwwwh."

Spirituality/Mindfulness

I'm not religious, by any means. It's not to say that having a religion/faith/organization/etc. isn't a good thing-- I believe it can be for some people.  Although I don't have a set, organized religion that I follow, I do believe in spirituality. Yoga helps me to connect to that spiritual-side, especially in those quiet or resting moments where I can really sink into a pose or focus on my breath. 

Sometimes it can be something as simple as placing my hands together at my heart, closing my eyes, and breathing deeply. Sometimes when I do this, I feel better connected and grounded to this crazy thing we call life. I feel calmer, more motivated, and even happier. I feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be when I finish a yoga practice; that I'm better equipped to live life in the moment. 

Yoga also reminds me to be mindful. The entire practice seems to be focused around being aware of the ground beneath your feet (and at times, hands), feeling the blood pump through your heart, feeling your breath move through you and help guide your practice. All of these things are encouraging in order to be more mindful, both in yoga practice and outside of it. 

For example, even if I come into contact with a rude person in my day, I remind myself that there has to be a reason that person is that way. It probably isn't anything I've done and nothing I can control, but he or she is carrying an invisible load on their back that no one else can see. Of course I get annoyed at rude people, I'm only human. However, I try to remind myself to be mindful of what that person may be going through. It helps with how I choose to react to that person.

Mood

Yoga sometimes can make a bad day turn into a good one. Or at the very least, it can help make a bad day not suck quite as much. My mood can sometimes dramatically improve when I do yoga. I like to

do yoga first thing in the morning, not a heavy or particularly long session, but yoga nonetheless. It helps wake me up and get my body and mind moving, ready to start the day. It can even do the opposite of this, help me to relax so I can get to sleep. I always have loved doing a relaxation/unwinding/ etc. yoga practice before bed, especially if I'm stressed out or anxious. Not only am I better able to fall asleep, but the sleep is deeper and more restful.

Speaking about anxiety, yoga is amazingggg for anxiety. As I said before, it helps to connect me to my breath and push away any negative thoughts, especially those that are aimed at myself. I find my anxiety likes to do that a lot, give my brain thoughts that deal with: shame, guilt, belittling, doubt, etc...and those thoughts are all aimed at my abilities to do certain tasks in life. I know none of them are true, but sometimes it's hard to remember that when the anxiety-monster is in full swing. Yoga definitely helps my brain calm down and I don't feel as panicked when I'm able to breathe, I mean really breathe. 

Goals For Myself

Again, I'm not a professional "yogi" or "yoga-master." In fact, some of the things yoga can express at times, like sticking out your tongue and breathing like a lion (it's a real thing, google it), is just too weird for me. But for the most part, I absolutely love what yoga has done for my life.  One day, I'd love to be able to do really cool yoga poses like a wheel barrel pose or even some inversion poses.

I'm just not there yet, and that's okay. Hell, I'd be happy if I could get my feet all the way to the mat when I practice downward facing dog. My main goal for yoga is to just keep at it. To not forget how good it makes me feel when I'm doing it and when I'm finished.

Here are some yoga videos I love:

Yoga with Adriene: Morning Sequence

Yoga with Adriene: Sun Salutation Practice

Yoga with Adriene: Stress Relief

Tara Stiles: Yoga Weight Loss and Balance Workout

Tara Stiles: Relaxing Bedtime Yoga

There's a lot more, but Youtube is an amazing resource for anyone interested in yoga. Just type whatever yoga routine you want, chances are, there's a video for it!

Don't forget to breathe.

--Dana