Update: Depression and how to ask for help

I haven’t blogged in quite a while. I’ve been busy with life-type-things. I have really missed writing, though. I find it to be a really good outlet to speak about whatever is on my mind at the moment.

 The last post I wrote about how scared I was about asking for help with possible depression. Since asking for help, I have found out that I do, indeed, have depression. I’ve also learned that asking for help was the best thing I could have done for my depression. Now, before I go any further, I am not writing this blog post for sympathy or to complain—none of that. I’m writing this blog post because one in every five people have some type of mental health concern or condition. If this post is read by just one other person who is depressed, anxious, bi-polar….whatever, then it’s served it’s purpose. 

I’m going to write about my experience with this mental health condition. I don’t like labeling it as a “disorder,” although, that’s how you’ll find most mental health conditions described in text books. Labeling something as a “disorder” makes me feel like I’m “abnormal” as if I am “lesser than” someone else who happens to not have a mental health condition or issue. I feel a lot of others out there struggling can relate to that.

So how did I ask for help?

Well, it was terrifying. Keep in mind, I didn’t think I had depression. I just felt like I was losing my mind. I didn’t feel like myself at all anymore. I didn’t know WHO I was anymore. I asked for help by ways of going to a medical professional. If you read my last post, you’ll know all about my Medicaid struggle to find a mental health provider. My experience with the medical professional….well it wasn’t the best. However I feel it’s still important to share because, well, it happens. Some people, even medically trained, highly educated individuals, don’t see depression as a “thing.”

I went to the doctor and told the nurse as she was taking my vitals that I was coming in because I had been feeling depressed. The nurse told me that there was a social worker on staff and that she’d be in to speak with me before the medical provider came in. I breathed a sigh of relief. I had no idea they had social workers at the facility and I thought, “Finally, I can get real help.”

The social worker was extremely nice and just asked me to describe how I was feeling.

 I listed:

• Exhausted
• Lethargic
• Lack of motivation/concentration
• Aches and pains
• Loss of appetite
• Sleeping too much
• No interest in anything, even things I used to love doing
• Just not feeling like myself

She quietly listened and nodded her head periodically as I explained a few personal life-things as to why I thought I could be feeling this way. After a minute she smiled a gentle smile at me and said, “Well, you just named off all of the most common symptoms of depression. If there was a checklist, you just hit all of the points.”

Even though it was scary to finally have a diagnosis for how I had been feeling for so long, it was also such a relief to know what it was. No, I wasn’t crazy. I just happen to be a person who has depression.

Then. The doctor came in. She ruined it. She kept saying that I was pretty and had no reason to be “sad.” And she said it about 25 times. The ONLY reason I stayed was because of that social worker. She set up a session with me for later that week. I strongly believe that had she not come in before the doctor, I would have gotten up and left without any treatment.

Depression isn’t sadness. It’s not something you simply “snap out of.” Depression doesn’t care how educated you are, what you look like, how much money you have, etc. It’s a chemical imbalance in your brain.  Some people are more pre-disposed to it than others.

I am a person who happens to have major depressive disorder, post traumatic response, and generalized anxiety disorder.

What’s happened since?

I go to regular counseling sessions, bi-weekly, with my social worker. It’s very cognitive-behavioral based. It’s just a fancy way of saying “therapy that changes the way you think about stuff.”

In addition to therapy, I was prescribed an anti-depressant. I’ve been on it for about four months now and it has made a huge difference in my depression. I’m slowly starting to feel myself again and semi-normal. I’ve gotten back to doing the things I like to do, seeing people I love to see, being motivated, laughing more.

This isn’t to say that every day is all sunshine and rainbows. It’s not like that at all. Some days I have to struggle through the motions of all that depression brings. The way I liken it to is running uphill underwater. You struggle so much just to move, it's exhausting, but you keep going. Some days I feel like I’m nearly back to square one with this thing and other days I feel like I’ve got this. For the most part, as of right now, I I've got this.

I plan on peridodically making mental-health related posts because it’s important to me to open up a dialogue on this topic. It’s not a big deal to talk about. If someone had a broken leg or the flu, no one would bat an eye in order to say, “feel better soon.” However, when someone has a mental health issue…it’s somehow “unacceptable” in some eyes.

 Options:

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, please remember that there are always options out there. It may not seem like it at times, but there are. Take me as an example. I thought I was never going to get help because of my health insurance and the insane waiting list as well as the lack of mental health services in my area, among other things. Going to the doctor was just the last thing I had to do in order to get help for myself. I had no idea they would offer me on site counseling and I'm so thankful I'm finally talking to a professional.

In other news: Look for more frequent posts in 2016. It’s a new year and I really want to blog again.

I hope this was helpful.

Don’t forget to breathe.

--Dana 

Mindful Friday: Asking For Help Is Hard.

Hey all. I haven't posted in a while just because of lack of time and lack of inspiration. I've generally just felt like crap for the past few months. It wasn't until recently that I realized I don't necessarily have my anxiety under control. If you want to read more about anxiety, I have a post about that here. 
I don't want to go into too much detail about anxiety since I already have on a different post.

This post is about asking for help when you need it, especially when it comes to mental health. I have a degree in social work and a minor in holistic health--I know how important the mind and body connection is.

Yet, I somehow find it difficult to always take care of myself, psychologically/mentally as well as psychically. More than this, coping mechanisms I've used before to manage my anxiety aren't working as well as they used to, if they're even working at all.  I feel as though I've hit a brick wall with my mental health. Normally I would try different coping mechanisms, Google some new ones or maybe even try even harder to stick to things I know that help my anxiety calm down. This time, though, my anxiety just does not give a crap.

A month or so ago I decided to finally make a phone call to a therapist/counselor/social worker. The problem: I HAVE EFFING MEDICAID. There are only three organizations in my area that accept my particular form of Medicaid and all three, I kid you not, have a seven MONTH or more waiting list. And that's just for intake, not even an actual appointment to get down to business.

Today I decided that this just cannot go on. I'm so sick of being happy one day, feeling like myself and optimistic...to another day where I'm exhausted, negative, and just not myself at all. I know right now that I can't see a mental health professional...Even though I'm on all the wait and cancellation lists, it still is going to be months before anything happens in that area.  However, I can speak to a doctor, can't I? Could I?

It's a really terrifying experience for me to go and speak to a doctor about something like anxiety or depression. I've never done that before. I do want to make sure nothing physical is going on, though. Sometimes physical ailments can cause depression or anxiety and I want to rule that out. On top of never going to a doctor for this, I'm not exactly familiar with my doctor. (Cough, cough: I have Medicaid and see a different doctor every time I'm sick). I don't want to be heavily medicated, although maybe medication would help. I wouldn't know since I have never had medication for a mental health issue. I don't know, it's just scary.

 I know it's not true at all, but me admitting that I may need medication for my mental health's well-being...it kind of feels like a defeat. As if my mind is telling me that I can't handle this on my own anymore and that this makes me weak in some sense. Again, I know deep down none of this is true. In fact, deep down I know this is true:

Asking for help is brave. 

I know this more than anything. Even though I'm terrified, and this is a horribly difficult thing for me to do...I'm also extremely brave. I'll toot that horn, yeah I will.

I wanted to post this so that I can look back one day and see how far I've come from this place I am at right now. I also wanted to post this to show that you are not alone. If you are considering speaking to a professional about your mental health, just do it. The more you wait to do it, the more you'll psych yourself out. The more your mental illness will tell you that you're just having a bad day and that tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow may be better, but your mental health issue will still exist on that good day. Trust me. I'm there right now. 

I plan on updating on this blog after I see the doctor and my experience. Again, more to document for myself than anything else. However, if this post helps just one person who reads it, that's fine by me too.

-Don't forget to breathe.

Dana

Mindful Friday.

Today has been...well kind of "meh," to put it simply. It hasn't been the worst day I've ever had, but it hasn't been the best.  I woke up this morning feeling beaten up (thank you, P90X), I didn't sleep last night very well, and I wanted to apply to all the jobs today. I only ended up applying to one per diem job that I really don't want. I started to get pretty negative today and down on myself. 

I've been so wrapped up in working as much as possible, saving money (or trying to), and finding a job that sometimes my days just don't turn out as great as I want them to be (something I mentioned in my last Mindful Friday blog post). I'll think, "Well today wasn't particularly bad, but I'm still in the same place and nothing has changed." I'm my own worst enemy. Sometimes I beat myself up really bad. I always forget that it's okay to have a "bad" or "not so great" day. It's okay to not be happy and energetic 24/7. 

It's okay to just veg out and watch The Boxtrolls  (which is completely what I did today when I was fed up with job hunting). Everyone has a bad day and it's totally normal. I put so much pressure on myself, needlessly, to always be happy and pleasant and nice. Sometimes I just can't be any of that. It's sometimes just no longer in my capacity.

Although today was a bit of a bummer, (I searched for jobs for 4 hours and only found one to apply to...among other things.) I am trying to focus on the good. Another "not so great" part of my day is that I've been alone all day and everyone is going out tonight to do something. I have no plans and can't make plans since I work early tomorrow morning. I'm a person who likes to, at least some parts of the day, be around other people. Being alone, most of the time, isn't a great feeling I have.

 Earlier in the day I was focused on the "you're alone" aspect of things as well as the "you'll never find a job" kind of things...but now I have a different mind set. I decided to stop the job search and I also decided to just cut out the negative self-talk that was going on. Instead, I'm now focusing on: "Yeah, you're alone tonight but that means you can blast Netflix tonight while you take a bath!" 

One good thing that came out of the job hunt today was that a friend gave me the company name she works for and said she'd tell her boss about my application when I apply. I also thought about all of the state jobs I've applied to over the last 3 months that are closing soon and that could possibly be calling me in the near future. Finally, I realized that I'm not really alone at all. I have amazing friends and family and a boyfriend who is literally my rock. So there's some good for ya.

This was a bit of a ramble and way longer than I intended, but I really just wanted to share my thoughts and things. Focusing on the good in every situation (and I believe every single situation and circumstance has some good to it) really does help when I start to become pessimistic. It can help make a bad day not be so bad. If you haven't tried it, I definitely recommend you do the next time you're having an off day!

Don't forget to breathe.

--Dana