Update: Depression and how to ask for help

I haven’t blogged in quite a while. I’ve been busy with life-type-things. I have really missed writing, though. I find it to be a really good outlet to speak about whatever is on my mind at the moment.

 The last post I wrote about how scared I was about asking for help with possible depression. Since asking for help, I have found out that I do, indeed, have depression. I’ve also learned that asking for help was the best thing I could have done for my depression. Now, before I go any further, I am not writing this blog post for sympathy or to complain—none of that. I’m writing this blog post because one in every five people have some type of mental health concern or condition. If this post is read by just one other person who is depressed, anxious, bi-polar….whatever, then it’s served it’s purpose. 

I’m going to write about my experience with this mental health condition. I don’t like labeling it as a “disorder,” although, that’s how you’ll find most mental health conditions described in text books. Labeling something as a “disorder” makes me feel like I’m “abnormal” as if I am “lesser than” someone else who happens to not have a mental health condition or issue. I feel a lot of others out there struggling can relate to that.

So how did I ask for help?

Well, it was terrifying. Keep in mind, I didn’t think I had depression. I just felt like I was losing my mind. I didn’t feel like myself at all anymore. I didn’t know WHO I was anymore. I asked for help by ways of going to a medical professional. If you read my last post, you’ll know all about my Medicaid struggle to find a mental health provider. My experience with the medical professional….well it wasn’t the best. However I feel it’s still important to share because, well, it happens. Some people, even medically trained, highly educated individuals, don’t see depression as a “thing.”

I went to the doctor and told the nurse as she was taking my vitals that I was coming in because I had been feeling depressed. The nurse told me that there was a social worker on staff and that she’d be in to speak with me before the medical provider came in. I breathed a sigh of relief. I had no idea they had social workers at the facility and I thought, “Finally, I can get real help.”

The social worker was extremely nice and just asked me to describe how I was feeling.

 I listed:

• Exhausted
• Lethargic
• Lack of motivation/concentration
• Aches and pains
• Loss of appetite
• Sleeping too much
• No interest in anything, even things I used to love doing
• Just not feeling like myself

She quietly listened and nodded her head periodically as I explained a few personal life-things as to why I thought I could be feeling this way. After a minute she smiled a gentle smile at me and said, “Well, you just named off all of the most common symptoms of depression. If there was a checklist, you just hit all of the points.”

Even though it was scary to finally have a diagnosis for how I had been feeling for so long, it was also such a relief to know what it was. No, I wasn’t crazy. I just happen to be a person who has depression.

Then. The doctor came in. She ruined it. She kept saying that I was pretty and had no reason to be “sad.” And she said it about 25 times. The ONLY reason I stayed was because of that social worker. She set up a session with me for later that week. I strongly believe that had she not come in before the doctor, I would have gotten up and left without any treatment.

Depression isn’t sadness. It’s not something you simply “snap out of.” Depression doesn’t care how educated you are, what you look like, how much money you have, etc. It’s a chemical imbalance in your brain.  Some people are more pre-disposed to it than others.

I am a person who happens to have major depressive disorder, post traumatic response, and generalized anxiety disorder.

What’s happened since?

I go to regular counseling sessions, bi-weekly, with my social worker. It’s very cognitive-behavioral based. It’s just a fancy way of saying “therapy that changes the way you think about stuff.”

In addition to therapy, I was prescribed an anti-depressant. I’ve been on it for about four months now and it has made a huge difference in my depression. I’m slowly starting to feel myself again and semi-normal. I’ve gotten back to doing the things I like to do, seeing people I love to see, being motivated, laughing more.

This isn’t to say that every day is all sunshine and rainbows. It’s not like that at all. Some days I have to struggle through the motions of all that depression brings. The way I liken it to is running uphill underwater. You struggle so much just to move, it's exhausting, but you keep going. Some days I feel like I’m nearly back to square one with this thing and other days I feel like I’ve got this. For the most part, as of right now, I I've got this.

I plan on peridodically making mental-health related posts because it’s important to me to open up a dialogue on this topic. It’s not a big deal to talk about. If someone had a broken leg or the flu, no one would bat an eye in order to say, “feel better soon.” However, when someone has a mental health issue…it’s somehow “unacceptable” in some eyes.

 Options:

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, please remember that there are always options out there. It may not seem like it at times, but there are. Take me as an example. I thought I was never going to get help because of my health insurance and the insane waiting list as well as the lack of mental health services in my area, among other things. Going to the doctor was just the last thing I had to do in order to get help for myself. I had no idea they would offer me on site counseling and I'm so thankful I'm finally talking to a professional.

In other news: Look for more frequent posts in 2016. It’s a new year and I really want to blog again.

I hope this was helpful.

Don’t forget to breathe.

--Dana 

Yoga

I wanted to write a blog about yoga...but I'm not an expert "Yogi," or whatever you want to call it. I've been doing yoga for about two years now and, to be honest, I don't do it every single day. There's times where I'm too tired or just don't have the time to fully commit to a yoga practice. However, as of recently, I've fallen back in love with yoga.

Mind-Body-Connection

I'm not the most flexible, most athletic, or most fit person...but yoga really helps me feel better; body and mind. For me, yoga isn't about getting into the "perfect" pose you may see on a magazine cover or something. It means exploring and finding what feels the best for your own body, where it is, in

whatever moment you're in. Since I've started yoga, I have almost no back pain. In fact, back pain was the reason I decided to try out yoga in the first place. I've even started to notice small differences in my knee pain as well. It's amazing!

Yoga is NOT, by any means, an "easy" work out. It so isn't. I think the longest yoga work out I've done has been about 45 minutes, and that's with breaks in between hard poses. Yoga reminds me to be gentle with myself and the thoughts I have about myself. For example, I may think, "God, Dana. You can't even get into this pose. What's wrong with you?!" But then, I'll gently remind myself that I get better every time I step onto my yoga mat. There's nothing wrong with not being able to have the "perfect" tree pose (or any other pose...tree is just particularly difficult for me).

Once I've reminded myself of this, I can carry on this same notion of 'being gentle with myself,' throughout the rest of my day. For instance, if I'm in a social situation and am embarrassed just by my own awkward-self, I try to remind myself that I'm perfectly fine the way I am, awkwardness and all.

In fact, my boyfriend even says that's kind of why he loves me.
Now everybody at once: 1, 2, 3..."Awwwwwwwwwwh."

Spirituality/Mindfulness

I'm not religious, by any means. It's not to say that having a religion/faith/organization/etc. isn't a good thing-- I believe it can be for some people.  Although I don't have a set, organized religion that I follow, I do believe in spirituality. Yoga helps me to connect to that spiritual-side, especially in those quiet or resting moments where I can really sink into a pose or focus on my breath. 

Sometimes it can be something as simple as placing my hands together at my heart, closing my eyes, and breathing deeply. Sometimes when I do this, I feel better connected and grounded to this crazy thing we call life. I feel calmer, more motivated, and even happier. I feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be when I finish a yoga practice; that I'm better equipped to live life in the moment. 

Yoga also reminds me to be mindful. The entire practice seems to be focused around being aware of the ground beneath your feet (and at times, hands), feeling the blood pump through your heart, feeling your breath move through you and help guide your practice. All of these things are encouraging in order to be more mindful, both in yoga practice and outside of it. 

For example, even if I come into contact with a rude person in my day, I remind myself that there has to be a reason that person is that way. It probably isn't anything I've done and nothing I can control, but he or she is carrying an invisible load on their back that no one else can see. Of course I get annoyed at rude people, I'm only human. However, I try to remind myself to be mindful of what that person may be going through. It helps with how I choose to react to that person.

Mood

Yoga sometimes can make a bad day turn into a good one. Or at the very least, it can help make a bad day not suck quite as much. My mood can sometimes dramatically improve when I do yoga. I like to

do yoga first thing in the morning, not a heavy or particularly long session, but yoga nonetheless. It helps wake me up and get my body and mind moving, ready to start the day. It can even do the opposite of this, help me to relax so I can get to sleep. I always have loved doing a relaxation/unwinding/ etc. yoga practice before bed, especially if I'm stressed out or anxious. Not only am I better able to fall asleep, but the sleep is deeper and more restful.

Speaking about anxiety, yoga is amazingggg for anxiety. As I said before, it helps to connect me to my breath and push away any negative thoughts, especially those that are aimed at myself. I find my anxiety likes to do that a lot, give my brain thoughts that deal with: shame, guilt, belittling, doubt, etc...and those thoughts are all aimed at my abilities to do certain tasks in life. I know none of them are true, but sometimes it's hard to remember that when the anxiety-monster is in full swing. Yoga definitely helps my brain calm down and I don't feel as panicked when I'm able to breathe, I mean really breathe. 

Goals For Myself

Again, I'm not a professional "yogi" or "yoga-master." In fact, some of the things yoga can express at times, like sticking out your tongue and breathing like a lion (it's a real thing, google it), is just too weird for me. But for the most part, I absolutely love what yoga has done for my life.  One day, I'd love to be able to do really cool yoga poses like a wheel barrel pose or even some inversion poses.

I'm just not there yet, and that's okay. Hell, I'd be happy if I could get my feet all the way to the mat when I practice downward facing dog. My main goal for yoga is to just keep at it. To not forget how good it makes me feel when I'm doing it and when I'm finished.

Here are some yoga videos I love:

Yoga with Adriene: Morning Sequence

Yoga with Adriene: Sun Salutation Practice

Yoga with Adriene: Stress Relief

Tara Stiles: Yoga Weight Loss and Balance Workout

Tara Stiles: Relaxing Bedtime Yoga

There's a lot more, but Youtube is an amazing resource for anyone interested in yoga. Just type whatever yoga routine you want, chances are, there's a video for it!

Don't forget to breathe.

--Dana