We broke up.

So....this is only day three but...a five year relationship of mine has ended.
It sucks.
It's painful. So, so painful. I don't think any amount of physical pain could compare right now.
It's confusing.
It's sickening.
It's terrifying.
It's confusing.
I hate it all.

I'm sad.
I'm hurt.
I'm angry. I'm so pissed.
I blame myself. I blame him. I blame our circumstances. I blame the world.

Where do I live now? How do I go on without the person I considered my other half? How will this impact my self-confidence, depression, and anxiety? How could I have been so stupid? How could I have been so complacent? Why couldn't we have fixed it? If only we could have FIXED IT.


I'm trying to focus on the present. To be mindful of what's happening here and now. If I think too far into the future, it paralyzes me, I can't go to a place where I loathe myself because I'm alone and feel unwanted. I know it's happening for a reason. It doesn't make it any less painful. It doesn't help at all.
Not one bit.

I don't know what I'm going to do, where I'm going to go, how I'm going to function in the coming weeks.

There is something to be said for amazing people who stick with you through life moments like these, though. My sisters, family, friends, and even some of his friends...they've all be so extraordinarily caring and considerate. It helps take the edge off ever so very slightly,

Things are going to be messy for a while. Probably a good long while. Eventually, I hope this person and I can be friends. We shared everything together and I would hate to say goodbye to him indefinitely.

Right now I am focusing on work, Christmas, finding a place to live, and not being alone as much as possible. Being alone is the worst right now. It's when my thoughts get the better of me. When I go to dark, depressing places that I don't want to go. Being around people is the best for me right now, even when the pain is so horrible.

Wow....It's been a while! Update Blog.

Hey, all!
I haven't written in a while....because depression is a real thing and sucks when it comes to writing (at least for me), but I've really missed this!

What's been happening? Well....Trump is president. So there's that.

ANYWAY. Get ready for some rambling.


Ryan and I have moved into our own place together and it's been amazing so far. A lot of hard work, but also a lot of fun as well. We recently ripped up some ugly, bunny-themed wallpaper and it was one of the most satisfying experiences ever.  Last night we put up our very own Christmas tree, even! I don't even care that there's no ornaments on it yet!

My depression has been....well...interesting.

I feel as though it manifests in different ways now than it did before when I was first diagnosed almost 2 years ago. I am back to taking 10mg of Lexipro every day instead of 5mg. It just feels better, honestly. I feel like my depression used to me be not wanting to do anything, sleeping too much, wanting to cry all of the time, lack of motivation, and so on. Now, my depression is more...sneaky. If that makes any sense. I feel as though my motivation levels are a lot higher/a lot more normal. However, I still have certain days where all I want to do is sleep and not see anyone or do anything. I know that's part of depression-that there will be good and bad days-but it doesn't make it any less annoying.

Recently, I feel as though my depression has really effected my confidence levels and how I see myself, actually. Which is a new development. I don't feel confident as much any more and I really hate it. The way I view my body, my intelligence, my goals in life...I have very little self-confidence right now. And again, it's not an every day thing, but it still effects my life every day---if that makes sense?

So what have I decided to do about it? Well. I'm trying to force myself to look in the mirror and say positive affirmations every day. Doesn't mean it happens everyday. I am trying and for me, that's a big deal right now. I'm trying to replace any self-deprecating thoughts about myself with a positive, optimistic one. It's been a struggle but so far I feel it's helping a bit.

What else...Uhm, My sister got engaged. Like what?! I'm so happy for her and her future husband (gah, that's weird). They're so good for one another and treat each other with love and respect and support. So, that's super amazing!

Tomorrow I am hopefully and finally finishing my Christmas shopping. I mean, what do I mean, finally? It's only the third of December. Honestly, finding gifts is a love hate with me. It sort of stresses me out, so the sooner I'm done, the better I feel. And that means there's more time to wrap presents, make gingerbread houses, and do other Christmas-y things!



I've realized I love food shopping. Which is weird, I know, but I do love it. I think part of it has to do with the super market where I live now is not even half the zoo that the one where I used to live is on a daily basis. So food shopping now is a lot easier. I also like to get the sales flyer every week and shop the sales and wow I sound so boring haha. Don't care, this is me, man.  I also try to buy only healthy items or items that can be used in healthy recipes, which makes me happy.

Acupuncture! I'm doing it now! I mean, not right at this very second, but I have been going weekly and I love it! I started going for elbow pain a few months ago and it has been the only thing to help with the joint pain. It's also so amazing how when you have actual health insurance, how much is covered. I literally get to lay on a heated mattress/cloud, get needles poked into me, and nap with whale sounds on for a half an hour.

All in all, not too much has happened since I last blogged.I really do want to get back into writing on here. If nothing else, to challenge my depression and say HAH I TOLD YOU I COULD DO IT! Anyway, I know this was extremely ramble-y and all over the place, but I'm a bit rusty and will try to get better!

Here's to hopefully more blogging! : )
Don't forget to breathe,

--Dana