We broke up.

So....this is only day three but...a five year relationship of mine has ended.
It sucks.
It's painful. So, so painful. I don't think any amount of physical pain could compare right now.
It's confusing.
It's sickening.
It's terrifying.
It's confusing.
I hate it all.

I'm sad.
I'm hurt.
I'm angry. I'm so pissed.
I blame myself. I blame him. I blame our circumstances. I blame the world.

Where do I live now? How do I go on without the person I considered my other half? How will this impact my self-confidence, depression, and anxiety? How could I have been so stupid? How could I have been so complacent? Why couldn't we have fixed it? If only we could have FIXED IT.


I'm trying to focus on the present. To be mindful of what's happening here and now. If I think too far into the future, it paralyzes me, I can't go to a place where I loathe myself because I'm alone and feel unwanted. I know it's happening for a reason. It doesn't make it any less painful. It doesn't help at all.
Not one bit.

I don't know what I'm going to do, where I'm going to go, how I'm going to function in the coming weeks.

There is something to be said for amazing people who stick with you through life moments like these, though. My sisters, family, friends, and even some of his friends...they've all be so extraordinarily caring and considerate. It helps take the edge off ever so very slightly,

Things are going to be messy for a while. Probably a good long while. Eventually, I hope this person and I can be friends. We shared everything together and I would hate to say goodbye to him indefinitely.

Right now I am focusing on work, Christmas, finding a place to live, and not being alone as much as possible. Being alone is the worst right now. It's when my thoughts get the better of me. When I go to dark, depressing places that I don't want to go. Being around people is the best for me right now, even when the pain is so horrible.