Friday, June 19, 2015
The car is...well really really old. Over ten years old. And it has a zillion miles on it. Though, now, it still runs well and all, I know I really need to seriously start saving. Two things ran through my mind when I realized this. One: I can't afford this with student loans to pay back And two: My dad gave me this car-I'm not ready to get rid of it.
Although the reality of finances kicked in and that was difficult to deal with, more than that was the symbolism I felt around possibly getting rid of this car in the near future. I don't want to give up on this car like I gave up on my father and any relationship with him. I don't want to deal with the fact that he was super proud and happy that he could give this car to me (and at the time my sister as well) and now I may need to sell or junk it. It was really one of the few times I remember my dad being happy that he could do something for his girls.
On top of all of this, father's day is this coming Sunday. I work retail. Everyone's all about the father's day. It's hitting me harder than I thought it would, to be honest. It isn't the first father's day without my dad being here, but at the same time it doesn't feel that way. It feels like I just spoke to him when in reality, it's been a year and change since he passed away.
Even when he and I would be in areas of life where we weren't speaking to one another, I'd always call him on father's day. It was the one time a year, even more so than Christmas or any other day, that I would set aside time and call. It didn't matter if he was angry on the other end, it didn't matter if he was upset or even crying--I'd still call.
For those of you reading who don't have a clue about my relationship with my father...it was unhealthy. I'll leave it at that for now because this post isn't about what my dad was and what he wasn't to me.
Anyway, this whole car thing this week really made me think about my dad and I've just realized that that's okay. It's okay to think about him and still be sad/mad/upset/etc. I don't think there's a time limit set on grieving. It's okay to still have moments where I am. This bad week reminded me to be kind to myself and take the time to feel what I'm feeling instead of pushing it aside or even worse--suppressing it. That only makes things like anxiety worse.
Anyway, sadness and blegh-ness over. Onto having the rest of this Friday and Saturday OFF!
Don't forget to breathe.