Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Having the feels.

I wasn't planning on blogging tonight because I'm just exhausted from school and papers and so on. But I'm having a bit of an emotional night, apparently, and thought maybe writing about it would help me I could get some sleep. I'm feeling like time has been going way too quickly. Already it's halfway through April, my internship is ending Friday, I graduate in less than 3 weeks...becoming a 'real' adult is coming up faster than I would like. I feel like I'm missing so much just by being swamped my life's-shit-storm that I don't have time to stop and think about all the things I'm grateful for, things to look forward to. I try to enjoy being in the moment as much as I can, but it's been really challenging the past few weeks.

Tonight I had my second to last field class and we were talking about 'termination.' In social work, it's basically when you end your professional relationship with a client. For my life, I'm terminating 8 years worth of struggling for a degree in something I'm passionate about. I'm really proud of this, but I'm really terrified at the same time. What do I do if I don't remember to be a 'good' social worker. What if I'm burning out and don't realize it until I'm stuck in a job for financial reasons and can't get out? What if I wind up hating social work? What if I never find a job I like, whether in my field or not. I'm scared.

On top of all of this, my boyfriend and I are looking at trying to get a place with just the two of us. However,we're not sure about finances being 100% there enough for us to do that now. What if his parents don't allow me to stay with them anymore? What if I can't afford a place by myself or with a room mate and have to move back in with my mom? What if I find myself spiraling the way I was a few years ago? What if I go all the way back to square one...except now I'll be at square one with a degree. I feel like everything is my fault right now when I know I've done absolutely everything right and nothing whatsoever wrong.

 UGHHHHH. My thoughts are racing right now so I'm sorry for babbling and complaining and all. I just needed to get everything out so hopefully it would help to relax my mind enough to where I can sleep. I'm not even going to edit this post, I'm just going to keep it as is because this is honest and real. This is how anxiety makes my brain feel, what it makes me think, and how it makes me doubt myself and everything/one around me. It's more than just worrying, it's something I can't simply turn off. I wish I could. I know things will work out, but my anxiety makes me ask, "But will they, really? Are you sure? Nah, they won't." Eff you, anxiety. Eff. You.

I'm going to try to meditate...or tumblr...or watch some youtube. Something to get my mind off of things until I'm tired enough to sleep. This definitely helped, but I need to not think for a while. Until my next, hopefully more up-beat, posting.

Don't forget to breathe (Even when you're having the feels).

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