Tuesday, April 14, 2015


So, it's been a hot minute since I've written a blog. School, work, life in general has kept me rather busy. I really do miss blogging, writing in general, really. I want to start again. So here's a blog to, I guess, see what has happened in my life since August 2014, which was the last time I posted (whoa--See what I did there?).

I moved!
I moved from living with my mom to living with my boyfriend and his parents. I love it here. I have my own space. I feel a lot less stressed with going to school, working crazy hours, paying rent-tuition-other bills, and so on.

I still work and go to school, but I can save money to pay back my student loans now instead of rent/utilities/etc. My boyfriend and I have a really good relationship right now. We've been together
for 3 years and six months and I couldn't be happier. I really think we balance each other out and I'm going to stop writing about him before I get all gushy-mushy.

 I really love his parents, too. I appreciate them so so much and am so grateful they've allowed me to stay in their home, rent free. I still feel weird around them sometimes because I'm a shy-weirdo, but I really love them and it's incredibly nice to feel that love from them, too.

I dealt with stuff...loads of stuff.
My dad passed away and I dealt with a lot of  things that the entire situation of death, grieving, and all of that brought up for me. It was really scary, frustrating, angering, and just overwhelming for me to come to terms with it all. I still have moments where I cry for no reason, smell someone wearing
the same cologne as him, still am reminded of certain things; but it is no where near as painful or as overwhelming as it once was. It's taken me a full year and some change to really be okay...or more okay, with his passing. I'm better now than I was a year ago. I'm better today than I was yesterday.

At the risk of sounding dramatic, I've come to realize that my father's death has been a traumatic event in my life. As with any trauma, you really have to give it time and process it. Seek out help if you need it and be gentle with yourself. For the longest time I avoided how I was feeling because it was just too painful to face. Once I actually faced it and allowed myself to not be okay for a little bit, things slowly got better. Okay, pitty-party over. Basically, I've dealt with stuff.

I've been taking better care of myself.
This has been a big thing for me. In September-Octoberish, I had a really bad health situation going
on. I was convinced I had arthritis because I had all the symptoms and was in sooo much pain. I WebMd-ed myself (I DON'T recommend-it said I was dying. I wasn't dying. Don't do it.) which made me anxious about what was wrong with me and I was basically a mess,inside and out.

 After I finally decided to get checked out, got 11 tubes of blood drawn, I finally found out I had a severe vitamin deficiency. I didn't even know this was a thing! I got a B12 shot and have been on a few different vitamins ever since to help re-build myself. It took about 6 months for me to feel better. I still would say I'm tired but that could be from anything. I definitely feel better, though.

It was a real wake-up call for me to start to take better care of myself, though. I had been running myself ragged, not eating properly or skipping meals entirely, not drinking enough water at all, not doing any physical activity (mostly because I felt like butt), and I wasn't taking time for myself to just relax.

Now, I always take breaks in between tasks to eat, drink some water, and re-collect myself. It has been crazy helpful. I've also started to work out more than I was. I haven't been doing yoga as much, but I am trying to find the time to get back into it. Mostly, my boyfriend and I (and sometimes his parents) will do a P-90X workout. This was something I always told myself I couldn't do because I was fearful I'd injure myself or that it was just too difficult of a work out. I've found that they're actually kind of fun...especially when I do it with someone. Even though I doubt I'll ever like Tony Horton. He's very annoying.

They're pretty hard, but I do my best and push myself and feel better. I have a lot less stress when I work out, my skin is clearer, and I have more energy!

I've gotten anxiety and depression under control.

I haven't really been honest with myself in the past few years with how I was feeling, mentally. I can look back now and see that there were times I definitely was depressed and I still struggle at times with anxiety. I have only had about two panic attacks in my entire life, and they were years ago. I don't want to get back to a place where I am so over-taken with my anxiety that I have panic attacks again. They feel like you're dying. Literally.

I've found that things like meditation, yoga, and journaling really have helped me and still continue to help. However, when I'm experiencing high levels of stress and feel like my anxiety is creeping up on me, getting stronger, I prefer to do something physical. I'll go for a walk, work out, or even go on a cleaning spree. The physical activity, for me, seems to help more than anything at times.

Another thing that has really helped me is to be aware of myself and how I'm feeling. This goes for physically and mentally. Before, I would not be aware of myself and just let anxiety or depression creep in and take over. Just a few months ago, I had a flat tire and had a nervous break down in the Wawa parking lot. It wasn't a big deal, but my anxiety-brain seemed to think so. I've been better than that incident since.

There were times I wouldn't leave my room for a whole day, not even to eat. I'd just sleep and lay in bed, not wanting to do anything or see anyone. I felt stuck. Getting out of my previous situation really helped as well as processing things about my dad. But more than anything, taking a deeper look at myself has helped tremendously. Now, I can feel when anxiety or depression start to come in and I can, most of the time, take a deep breath and re-focus my brain or body on something else. Maybe I'll write a different blog on how I deal with anxiety and depression, like techniques, later.

I wouldn't say I'm 'cured,' but I can say I haven't been this happy in a very long time.

I'm graduating in May!
Holy crap. I still can't believe it's actually happening--and soon! I'll have a bachelor's degree in Social Work with a minor in Holistic Health! I'll hopefully be able to find a job (crosses fingers) soon after May 9th. I never ever thought I would even go to college, let alone pass with a near 4.0 GPA and actually find something I'm extremely passionate about!

My last day at my internship is this Friday and I'm kind of sad about it. I didn't really care for the agency I was placed with, but I absolutely loved  most of the patients there as well as my field instructor. She's become a real mentor of mine and I'll be sad to not see her every week. She's taught me so so soooo much about the field of social work and just how to not worry as much about things that happen in life. "The three C's" is what she really has emphasized the most with me.

I didn't create it, I can't control it, and I can't cure/fix it.

I'm super nervous about graduating, yet I'm so excited to be finally done with college for now. I definitely want to go back and get my Master's degree at some point, maybe a year off or so, but more than anything I want to start living my life. It's going to feel so weird not going to college this September. I'm adult-ing! Gah, more bitter-sweetness.

I've only mentioned a few things, but I don't want this blog to be super-super long. More than anything: I'm healthy, happy, in a really good place, and extremely looking forward to what my life is going to bring me in the near future.

 I'm off to pick up my cap and gown today before class and I'm sure I'll be an emotional weird-person the rest of the day. Oh well.

I hoped this was helpful. Don't forget to breathe!

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