Mindful Friday: Asking For Help Is Hard.

Hey all. I haven't posted in a while just because of lack of time and lack of inspiration. I've generally just felt like crap for the past few months. It wasn't until recently that I realized I don't necessarily have my anxiety under control. If you want to read more about anxiety, I have a post about that here. 
I don't want to go into too much detail about anxiety since I already have on a different post.

This post is about asking for help when you need it, especially when it comes to mental health. I have a degree in social work and a minor in holistic health--I know how important the mind and body connection is.

Yet, I somehow find it difficult to always take care of myself, psychologically/mentally as well as psychically. More than this, coping mechanisms I've used before to manage my anxiety aren't working as well as they used to, if they're even working at all.  I feel as though I've hit a brick wall with my mental health. Normally I would try different coping mechanisms, Google some new ones or maybe even try even harder to stick to things I know that help my anxiety calm down. This time, though, my anxiety just does not give a crap.

A month or so ago I decided to finally make a phone call to a therapist/counselor/social worker. The problem: I HAVE EFFING MEDICAID. There are only three organizations in my area that accept my particular form of Medicaid and all three, I kid you not, have a seven MONTH or more waiting list. And that's just for intake, not even an actual appointment to get down to business.

Today I decided that this just cannot go on. I'm so sick of being happy one day, feeling like myself and optimistic...to another day where I'm exhausted, negative, and just not myself at all. I know right now that I can't see a mental health professional...Even though I'm on all the wait and cancellation lists, it still is going to be months before anything happens in that area.  However, I can speak to a doctor, can't I? Could I?

It's a really terrifying experience for me to go and speak to a doctor about something like anxiety or depression. I've never done that before. I do want to make sure nothing physical is going on, though. Sometimes physical ailments can cause depression or anxiety and I want to rule that out. On top of never going to a doctor for this, I'm not exactly familiar with my doctor. (Cough, cough: I have Medicaid and see a different doctor every time I'm sick). I don't want to be heavily medicated, although maybe medication would help. I wouldn't know since I have never had medication for a mental health issue. I don't know, it's just scary.

 I know it's not true at all, but me admitting that I may need medication for my mental health's well-being...it kind of feels like a defeat. As if my mind is telling me that I can't handle this on my own anymore and that this makes me weak in some sense. Again, I know deep down none of this is true. In fact, deep down I know this is true:

Asking for help is brave. 

I know this more than anything. Even though I'm terrified, and this is a horribly difficult thing for me to do...I'm also extremely brave. I'll toot that horn, yeah I will.

I wanted to post this so that I can look back one day and see how far I've come from this place I am at right now. I also wanted to post this to show that you are not alone. If you are considering speaking to a professional about your mental health, just do it. The more you wait to do it, the more you'll psych yourself out. The more your mental illness will tell you that you're just having a bad day and that tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow may be better, but your mental health issue will still exist on that good day. Trust me. I'm there right now. 

I plan on updating on this blog after I see the doctor and my experience. Again, more to document for myself than anything else. However, if this post helps just one person who reads it, that's fine by me too.

-Don't forget to breathe.

Dana

Mindful Friday (on Thursday): Life is strange and also frogs

Sunday was the beginning of  a lot of new HBO series starting. True Detective, Ballers, and Brink; to be specific. My boyfriend, myself, and a group of our friends have been looking forward to watching for a while now. Since my boyfriend and I don't have HBO, we go to friends' houses to watch certain shows. Anyway, Sunday night one of our friends picked the two of us up from our house to go and watch these shows at another friend's house. I was leaving the house when my boyfriend said, "Frog."

I almost didn't hear him, but I looked down to my feet anyway. There it was, a little green and speckled frog staring up at me. "Oh no! I almost crushed him!" I squealed. I would have felt so horrible if that had happened. Horrible, I tell you. I bent down towards it and gently ushered it into
the bushes by the house so no one else would nearly crush or actually crush the little creature.

Frog murder avoided, we all set off to our friend's house. On the way, and we had only been driving maybe three minutes, BAM. A car accident. It wasn't us, thankfully, but it was someone else. It must have just happened because people all over the place started racing to the shoulder and pulling over, running out of their cars to assist. The car was white and completely turned over on it's roof. All I saw was white and wheels in a mess of trees and bushes. It had gone over the guard rail and was sitting there. I couldn't see anyone inside.

I still can't find any information on if the person or people inside are okay or not. I haven't stopped thinking about it since Sunday and I probably won't for a long time.

More than anything, I can't get out of my head that the accident could have very well involved the car we all were riding it. If I hadn't stopped to nearly smoosh and then save a frog, maybe we could have been the ones in that upside down car, I know this is probably me just reading too much into the accident I saw, but I feel like sometimes things happen for a reason. Thankfully, I was meant to save a frog that day.

Want to know something? I googled what 'frog symbolism' means and was completely freaked by what multiple websites told me. Frogs are a symbol of change and transition. They can also mean a link between the living and the dead, though I'm still hopeful every single person made it out of that wreck alive.

This got me to remember that life is full of constant change, nothing is permanent. Life is all about births, marriages, love, buying houses, graduating, and even death and grieving. This constant change that life takes us through sometimes comes when we least expect or least want it to happen. Sunday reminded me of how instantaneous and abruptly a life can change. It's reminded me to be thankful for not only the people in my life, but also the time I get to spend with them as well.

Don't forget to breathe.
--Dana

Mindful Friday

This past week was another stressful one. My car was going all wonky and I was really worried I was going to need to shell out hundreds of dollars to get it fixed. Thankfully, my boyfriend's dad knows cars and how to fix most problems. It only ended costing around 80 bucks. Though I lucked out, it was an eye-opening experience. One that told me my car isn't going to last forever-that I have to save up for a new one in the (very) near future.

The car is...well really really old. Over ten years old. And it has a zillion miles on it. Though, now, it still runs well and all, I know I really need to seriously start saving. Two things ran through my mind when I realized this. One: I can't afford this with student loans to pay back And two: My dad gave me this car-I'm not ready to get rid of it. 

Although the reality of finances kicked in and that was difficult to deal with, more than that was the symbolism I felt around possibly getting rid of this car in the near future. I don't want to give up on this car like I gave up on my father and any relationship with him. I don't want to deal with the fact that he was super proud and happy that he could give this car to me (and at the time my sister as well) and now I may need to sell or junk it. It was really one of the few times I remember my dad being happy that he could do something for his girls.

On top of all of this, father's day is this coming Sunday. I work retail. Everyone's all about the father's day. It's hitting me harder than I thought it would, to be honest. It isn't the first father's day without my dad being here, but at the same time it doesn't feel that way. It feels like I just spoke to him when in reality, it's been a year and change since he passed away.

Even when he and I would be in areas of life where we weren't speaking to one another, I'd always call him on father's day. It was the one time a year, even more so than Christmas or any other day, that I would set aside time and call. It didn't matter if he was angry on the other end, it didn't matter if he was upset or even crying--I'd still call.

For those of you reading who don't have a clue about my relationship with my father...it was unhealthy. I'll leave it at that for now because this post isn't about what my dad was and what he wasn't to me.

Anyway, this whole car thing this week really made me think about my dad and I've just realized that that's okay. It's okay to think about him and still be sad/mad/upset/etc. I don't think there's a time limit set on grieving. It's okay to still have moments where I am. This bad week reminded me to be kind to myself and take the time to feel what I'm feeling instead of pushing it aside or even worse--suppressing it. That only makes things like anxiety worse.

Anyway, sadness and blegh-ness over. Onto having the rest of this Friday and Saturday OFF!

Don't forget to breathe.
--Dana

Mindful Friday

For this Mindful Friday I wanted to focus on something that I've been struggling with a lot lately. I'm not a very insecure person, but I do have insecurities when it comes to certain things in life; as does everyone else. I've been trying to do a lot for myself lately. More than finding a job/purpose as a 'real' adult and recent college graduate, I've been trying to work on things within myself. One of those things is getting close to others. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, one of those many insecurities I have is being around new people or becoming friends with someone else.

I fear rejection. I have issues. Sue me. 

I've mentioned this before in previous posts, but I really do love people and I love being around people as well. This doesn't mean I'm not shy around new or new-er people, though. I completely am. I get insecure about what a person who I want to be my friend, for instance, will view me if I say the wrong thing. I'm insecure about my inborn awkwardness that makes me trip and spill things very easily. I'm also insecure about what if this person lets me down in someway or rejects me? I have issues, sue me.

I've really been trying to 'ease into the discomfort' of meeting new people though. I've been trying this even with people I've known for a few months or years but don't hang out with very often because of conflicting work schedules and what not. It's not an easy thing to do: open yourself up to new social situations and either new or kind-of-new people. At least it's not for me. 

It really confuses me because, again I love being around people. And it also confuses me because I'm awesome at interacting with people in a professional/work/internship environment...even really difficult to handle individuals/situations. When it comes to asking someone I don't really hang out with to do something? Nope. My brain just shuts down and I dissolve into an awkward-nervous-mess. How have I avoided this mess? By simply not asking others to hang out (hah). 

I really want to change this, though. I want friends. Because that's what normal humans want. I'm not saying I'm going to go out to parties and drink and everything; that never was and never will be me. I AM saying that I'm going to make a conscious effort to text, call, Facebook, and more to ask acquaintances or even newer friends/people in my life to hang out more.

The worst that can happen is that the person will say no, right? I'm also going to challenge those of you out there who have the same making-friends-issue to do the same. Lean into the comfort zone limit and try it! You won't be alone and if you have any questions/advice/concerns...comment down below and we can get a dialogue going!

Don't forget to breathe.

--Dana

Mindful Friday

My boyfriend and I have been together for three and a half years. I can't speak for him, but he is literally my rock. He makes me happy, helps me when I'm feeling anxious or doubtful, and he's just an amazing person. The last few days, he was pretty sick. He's had symptoms like this before, but this time around they were a lot more serious. A lot more scary too see, too. I have never felt so helpless in any situation before this. Here's this person I love more than anything in this world, and he's feeling so crummy and miserable...and I can't do a damn thing about it.


He ended up going to the hospital for tests and everything, which all turned out negative or normal (thank goodness).  I can't even put into words how grateful I am that he seems to be doing better and that there's nothing major or serious happening to him.

The whole experience was completely eye-opening, though.  It reminded me of how crazy and just effed life can be--and out of no where. You never know when something like sickness is going to happen and how something so simple can disrupt your every day routine. One minute I was texting him about watching Buffy, the next minute I found out he was being admitted over night to the hospital (scary shit). I also learned that hospitals (at least the one we had) suck, that you have to advocate for yourself and your loved one if you want to get anywhere.  I found out that my boyfriend and I both have some amazing friends and family out there who called, texted, face-booked, etc. good wishes and wanted to know how he was.

You all are amazing.

More than anything, this whole experience is a true reminder of how much I care and love this other human being. How much I needed to be there for him, even if it just meant waiting around with him while he slept in an uncomfortable hospital bed.  Even if it meant just going out and buying him Swedish fish or some chicken nuggets, getting him an ice pack to help him feel just slightly better. It reminds me that I care so so soooo much about him and I know he cares just as much about me as well.

Everything's okay right now and I'm feeling very thankful for him and for the rest of his family, friends, and I that he's okay. I also have a feeling that this entire ordeal has strengthened the already strong bond Ryan and I have together. I really feel like we can overcome anything, right now ; )

Don't forget to breathe.
--Dana

Mindful Friday.

Today has been...well kind of "meh," to put it simply. It hasn't been the worst day I've ever had, but it hasn't been the best.  I woke up this morning feeling beaten up (thank you, P90X), I didn't sleep last night very well, and I wanted to apply to all the jobs today. I only ended up applying to one per diem job that I really don't want. I started to get pretty negative today and down on myself. 

I've been so wrapped up in working as much as possible, saving money (or trying to), and finding a job that sometimes my days just don't turn out as great as I want them to be (something I mentioned in my last Mindful Friday blog post). I'll think, "Well today wasn't particularly bad, but I'm still in the same place and nothing has changed." I'm my own worst enemy. Sometimes I beat myself up really bad. I always forget that it's okay to have a "bad" or "not so great" day. It's okay to not be happy and energetic 24/7. 

It's okay to just veg out and watch The Boxtrolls  (which is completely what I did today when I was fed up with job hunting). Everyone has a bad day and it's totally normal. I put so much pressure on myself, needlessly, to always be happy and pleasant and nice. Sometimes I just can't be any of that. It's sometimes just no longer in my capacity.

Although today was a bit of a bummer, (I searched for jobs for 4 hours and only found one to apply to...among other things.) I am trying to focus on the good. Another "not so great" part of my day is that I've been alone all day and everyone is going out tonight to do something. I have no plans and can't make plans since I work early tomorrow morning. I'm a person who likes to, at least some parts of the day, be around other people. Being alone, most of the time, isn't a great feeling I have.

 Earlier in the day I was focused on the "you're alone" aspect of things as well as the "you'll never find a job" kind of things...but now I have a different mind set. I decided to stop the job search and I also decided to just cut out the negative self-talk that was going on. Instead, I'm now focusing on: "Yeah, you're alone tonight but that means you can blast Netflix tonight while you take a bath!" 

One good thing that came out of the job hunt today was that a friend gave me the company name she works for and said she'd tell her boss about my application when I apply. I also thought about all of the state jobs I've applied to over the last 3 months that are closing soon and that could possibly be calling me in the near future. Finally, I realized that I'm not really alone at all. I have amazing friends and family and a boyfriend who is literally my rock. So there's some good for ya.

This was a bit of a ramble and way longer than I intended, but I really just wanted to share my thoughts and things. Focusing on the good in every situation (and I believe every single situation and circumstance has some good to it) really does help when I start to become pessimistic. It can help make a bad day not be so bad. If you haven't tried it, I definitely recommend you do the next time you're having an off day!

Don't forget to breathe.

--Dana